Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Hate

We're not allowed to say that we hate them.  If our children's behaviour is so bad day after day after day after day that we want to cry every morning because getting out the front door is so difficult, we aren't really permitted to hate them.  If they ignore every single thing that we say, despite the time-outs, threats, removal of toys, etc., we still don't get to hate them.  If the thought of them coming home from school makes us feel dread, and even getting them home from school is a challenge in itself, we can't say that it's the children that we hate. Even if our best intentions lead us to take them to programs that get met with resistance, tantrums, and futility, hate is still not permitted.  Think of the judgement we would receive if we regularly expressed hatred for our kids.  The more lenient of the judges would probably tell us that we don't hate them, but that we are just stressed by the trials of parenthood.  Do feelings really need to be so complicated?  I love my daughter the way a mother should, but sometimes...

9 comments:

Chantal said...

So true.

kgirl said...

I haven't actually ever thought that way, but it could be because I completely hold myself responsible for my reactions, and rarely hold her responsible for her actions.
Not always better, I'm sure.

Naomi said...

Sometimes I do hate my boys. Not often, and it's always fleeting, but yes, sometimes, that feeling is there.

Just like sometimes I'm sure they hate me. It's normal, I think.

I feel that hate is really just the flip side of love (not the opposite - you cannot hate someone you do not love, not rationally, anyway), and it's a strong emotion, and my children are good at eliciting strong emotional responses.

It's how we react to the emotion that matters more, I think. But yes, it is difficult, and thankless, and selfless, and, oh, did I say difficult? *grin*

motherbumper said...

I love my daughter forever but boy oh boy, I hate her reactions and behaviours. Do those two things make the person? I don't think so, so when I say hate, I'm not talking about the person but the actions of that little person. It may be a fine line in some folks books, but when I'm saying it, I try to say I HATE THREE (and stop holding my sweet angel hostage).

But sometimes indeed.

ourlittlefunnybunny said...

Am right there with you!

Nora said...

Always a breath of fresh air and honesty over here. I've heard about this transition to two kids...hang in there!

Mary G said...

Other than having to include my husband in the list, I am with you. I think it is more just the relentless endlessness of it all that ramps the emotion up.
When my eldest was around the age of yours (and I can relate to the bleach story) I once put her outside into her play yard and kicked in the door under the kitchen sink.
Deep breath. You need some time off, IMHO.

The Mom Bomb, a/k/a Folksy Mama said...

It's ironic, but once I gave myself permission to hate my kids every once in awhile, the less I did. I think a lot of it is psychic guilt-pressure.

Motherhood: You don't have to love it.

The Scholastic Decoder said...

I hear you - I have hated teh horrible behaviour and nastiness at times, so I try hard to hold onto the flip side, because she is sweet at times, too. She's like Jekyll and Hyde in a little girl lately. Can't wait until this round passes...